How To Manage Your Thoughts After A Break Up

Most days, our inner critics tend to fill our heads with all the ways in which we are failing and falling short. Add the ending of a relationship, and it's like your inner critic just got carte blanche access to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord full of misery inducing opinions about you, your life and your former relationship.

If you don't catch this nasty voice in time, it can keep you reeling for days -- filling your head with stories that may feel true, but really are just a figment of your mind. While you may not be in control of your former significant other, you are in control of the stories that you let run through your mind. Fill your mind with misery-creating stories -- the kind your inner critic loves to feed on -- and you will begin to feel more miserable. Or, trade in the self-sabotage for self-empowerment, and you'll feel peace instead of distress. And let's face it, during and after a divorce, you need all the peace you can get.

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So do yourself the favor and banish the following misery-creating statements and stories from your mind. Promise never to say these things to yourself again. A good friend would never say these things to you, and right now, you need to be a best friend to yourself.

Never say:

1. "He loves her more than me."

2. "OMG, he has changed! Why couldn't he be different for me?"

3. "I am going to be alone for the rest of my life."

4. "The best part of my life is over."

Say instead:

1. "His life today has nothing to do with 'how much' he loved me." Love cannot be measured. There is no more or less when it comes to love -- love is love. Love comes in different forms, so if your former partner is in a new relationship, their love is different than yours, but would you want it to be the same? When you compare you always lose. Comparison is a toxic habit. Don't take it up. Focus on yourself and what you are creating for your life today.

2. "We weren't the right fit anymore, and that's okay." Sure he may have changed some since you ended it -- let's hope going through something as major as a divorce woke him up a little. But here's what you need to remember: At the core, he still is who he was with you, and that wasn't what you really wanted or needed. If he was, the relationship would have been enough for you, and it wasn't. It's okay that you weren't the right fit anymore. Better to stop trying to put a round peg in a square hole and get on with finding the best relationship for the great life you want to create for yourself. This is your life, and you are the only one who can make sure it's great.

3. "I am never really alone. There's lots of love in the world if I open my heart to receive it." There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that is void of affection, intimacy and deep connection. If that describes your past relationship, you've already experienced loneliness at a level that you never have to again. Understand that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself and you'll never feel lonely again. If you aren't having a loving, awesome relationship with yourself, now is a great time to start. Not to mention there are all kinds of healthy sources of love in the world just waiting for you -- pets, children, friends, flowers, kind strangers, dancing and spiritual centers, to name a few.

4. "One chapter of my life is complete and I have the power to write the next chapter however I want." You have the power to control your own life, and no man can tell you how to live it. This is exciting, but you must be willing to step into your own self-empowerment. Sure, grieve the end of a chapter. Then get on to writing the next one. Spend the afternoon at a café or in your home or out in nature writing about what this next storyline will entail. Dream big.

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Edited By Cen Fox Post Team

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Why Women Can't get Over A Break Up Easily?

We are not the ones for stereotypes, but when you see stereotypes play out in front of you, then what? Liberated, independent women might scoff at the theory that the ladies take longer than guys to get over their exes, but Hollywood actress Demi Moore is proving stereotype spewers right.     

The 49-year-old star, who spilt from her 34-year-old actor husband Ashton Kutcher last year following allegations that he had been cheating on her with several women, is said to have turned hysterical after pictures of him kissing his That 70s Show co-star Mila Kunis surfaced in the press a few weeks ago. Moore is said to have been devastated at the speed at which Kutcher moved on. 
    
And it turns out, her response has less to do with celebrity-hood or individual temperament and more with gender. As a woman, she is hard-wired to take a breakup badly. 
    
Jane Emily would know. The 26-year-old New York-based graphic designer separated from her partner four years ago, but admits to carrying a torch for the man who cheated on her. The two were dating for seven years, and he moved residence to the UK for two years. “It’s there that he fell in love with another woman, and sent me an email saying he wanted to be with her. I was willing to talk about it, give it another shot,” says Jane, who heard from common friends that he was in fact, keen to cut all communication . 

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The emotional turmoil saw Jane blow her final year college exams. She failed, and with that, her dream of pursuing academics at a US university were forgotten. She says she took a better part of a whole year to recover, choosing to finally settle into an arranged marriage instead of go looking for love again. 
    
“He is still stuck in some part of my brain. Maybe he’ll sit there forever,” says Mitra. 
    
Mumbai-based relationship counsellor Dr Rajan Bhonsle says, women are emotional creatures. “For most women, falling in love is a slow, gradual process. A woman’s attraction for a man builds over time as she gets herself to love, figure, understand him. She invests heavily in him, which is why a failed relationship or betrayal hurts more.” 
    
Psychotherapist Mrs Rihanna has a problem with the generalisation, though. The difference has more to do with social conditioning than gender, she argues. “Women are demonstrative because we have social sanction to emote openly. Since the expression is visible, the world thinks we are having a tougher time,” she says. Men don’t talk about breakups publicly like women can, and do. “They continue with their routine, which makes it seem like they aren’t grieving.” 

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That a man’s brain is capable of compartmentalising data better than a woman’s, helps,” says Mrs Rihanna, adding, “Which is how they are able to get back to life, although they might still be craving her presence. It’s only when it sinks in that she may not return that it hits the man.” 

And so, this will remain a topic of several debates — do women find it tougher to forget? Do men have it harder accepting failure? 

Does it really matter? Heartbreak is unfair and painful, declare lovers. And the thing to focus on is looking ahead. 

How to cope

• Women enjoy destressing by talking things through. Talk about it with people you trust.
• Indulge in mind-body exercises, like yoga and meditation. They may sound like clichéd solutions, but they are clichés only because they work well. Besides, exercising helps release endorphins or ‘happy’ hormones that leave you mentally alert.
• Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Loneliness leaves you worse off.
• Don’t ruminate or fall into the self-pity trap. Think ahead, look ahead. There’s always more to come.
• If all of this doesn’t work, seek professional help and see a counsellor.

EXPLORE: Lifestyle        Emotional Girls        Heart Disease             Divorce Test     Carrer Vs Family          Cheating Spouse          Recognise a Liar            Forgiving

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Edited By Cen Fox Post Team

Follow @centuryfoxpost